You're My Reason
by Lexi-chan
Summary: What made Kenshin wonder and atone? Who led him to a life being a rurouni and protect those who are weaker? Who else but his first love...Tomoe... (better than the summary, promise)


**A/N: It was my eighth time to watch te OAV and I still cry over it...Even if I like the couple (Kaoru and Kenshin) better, this is truly dedicated to Tomoe and Kenshin!! hha!! So please review, but before you do, please enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters and I do not own the song. It is entitled.."The Reason" by Hoobastank**

Rain of blood....Rain of blood....Rain of blood. I don't remeber, I didn't even bother to think about it until now. The rain of blood, I made it happen. It hurts, but I was too cold to remember the feeling. It pains me to see their eyes, but I look away from them. I didn't feel what they felt, I didn't even try to feel it. I took away their life without a conscience. I took away their soul without emotion. 

White plum, you smelled so beutiful, I am unworthy of you. I was a child, but I understood love. You were the one who showed me what love is. You were the only one who cared, who loved me. Not for what I can do, but for who I really am as a person. Why? Why was I too stupid to see it before? My eyes were cold and you were afraid of them. I didn't listen to that little voice that kept telling me what I was really doing. I was an assassin, a murderer. One who made the rain of blood. 

I looked at you, with my eyes trying to figure out why this had happened. I was unworthy of you. I don't know why I felt liket his. I was hurting like I never been before. I wasn't hurting until you came, but I wasn't being loved either. Only you taught me to be human, only you taught me to love. Only you taught me to run from the rain and go into shelter. Only you taught me to run away from the rain of blood. You were the only one who gave me life, who gave me love. I bring back to you my love, I will bring back to you honor. My love, I will never forget you. I will never forget you, Tomoe. 

**I'm not a perfect person**

"You will die." I has said to her. I was a child, I felt no love. Not even for her. I didn't really care even if she did then. It was just a warning of what she'd see. I didn't care if she did die that moment. 

A soft touch came to my shoulder. "By your side," she replied. I didn't let my emotions show, but I was surprised that my heart skipped a beat. By my side? Who will be so foolish to do this? It was such foolishness! I kept my mind of the Shinsen-gumi, but it kept turning back to her. Her face, her scent. White plum, the precious white plum. 

"Your things should not be stained with the smeel of blood." Yes, I was right. She was too much for it. I don't need books, all I needed was my sword. I have killed so much that I smell of blood. I killed so much that I have no emotion. I have no fear for anything. Not souls of those I killed, not death. Maybe the only thing I fear is sleep. 

**There's many things I wish I didn't do**

I remember my master when I was a child. He taught me this technique, Hiten Mitsurugi. That's my ghostly and deadly swordsmanship. He had also changed my name. From the name my father gave me to this swordsman's name. Kenshin, Himura Kenshin. Ever since then, I trained, I trained hard. I wanted to be strong, for those three women who died for me. For those three who protected me, who shieded me, who told me that I should live. 

But then, I was an arrogant child, I stupid child. I never listened to him when he said that those people below me would devour me. Would eat my innocence alive. I didn't listen, I headed down and became a pawn for their killing. I became an assassin, a murderer. I surrendered my heart to the demon and surrndered my soul. I gave up my humanity to _make a better world_. I killed, and all for nothing but the loss of my sanity. 

I taught myself to hide my emotions, not to feel anything when I kill. Not to lose my wits and become a coward. I wanted to make a world better for those who cannot survive on their own. That is what I thought my sword meant. To protect the weak by killing those who deserve to die. They die for a reason, it's better that I do not know why. I am an assassin, and that is all I do. I will make a better world. 

**But I continue learning**

"Master! I cannot watch the people down there while I am here watching out for my own interest. I should help, as the principle of Hiten! To prtect!" I yelled. I didn't know why, but my heart flew to the idea off heping out those who needed my sword. They needed my protection, they needed my skills. They needed someone with the heart to protect those who cannot prtect themselves. 

My master turned and locked his eyes unto mine. "Stupid pupil, will you not learn?!" Silence was between us. He turned around and walked away. My heart felt angry as I yelled for him to listen to me. "There's no sense in listening to someone who would not listen to me," he said as he walked away. "Go and do as you wish, my stupid pupil." 

I was a fool, my master was right. I gave up my innocence for nothing but guilt and pain. I didn't create peace, niether did I protect. I was merely a killing puppet. Something I didn't see before. If it weren't for you, I wouln't have seen it until now. I wouldn't have opened my eyes to the reality of what I was doing to myself and the people around me. 

**I never meant to do those things to you**

As I look at your lifeless body, I knew. I knew now that you were with him. I deeply apologise for what I have done. Without realizing it, I took away what was most important to you. That's why I am unworthy of your love, unworthy of you being my wife. I took away the one you loved. I made you suffer pain, I made your tears flow. It was me, it was my fault. Why did you love me? 

My sword, my own sword, slashed through your body. It was because of me, you protected me. How can you love a man who took away the man of your heart? How can you love a cold-hearted assassin? How can you love someone who was unworthy of it? Your brother, I guess he saw me. His hatred for me grew even more. I know what he feels and I don't blame him. You were his sister and his mother as well like you said. I hurt you, I hurt Kyosoto, I hurt your brother. I've hurt everyone you loved and treasured most. 

It wasn't my will to kill him, they told me to. I never knew the reason of my life but to be an assassin to change the world. I never meant anything against you. I failed to protect the one thing I ever loved, you Tomoe. Of all the people I failed to protect you, the love of my life, my wife. Why? After all, I've protected so much, why not you? 

**And so I have to say before I go**

Katsura entered the premises and talked to me of the war. He asked me to lend him my skills and of course I did. I needed to lend him my skills, but just this last time. After this, I will not pick up another sword and atone for my sins. You have changed my life, my heart. You showed me the way to change, to make my life better. To make my life easier to bear. 

"You'll always be the love of my life. I will not die as a swordsman. Just for you, I will throw down my sword and keep my humanity, like you told me to when you were still living. I will honor you and hope someday you would be proud of me. Tomoe, love, I will never forget you. I will remeber you always and would love you always. Please forgive me. This is the last war, the last time I will pick up my sword. I love you." Yes, I do love you, the way you loved me. 

**That I just want you to know**

The cross mark on my cheek, I will never forget it. It's the symbol of a man's grudge and a woman's forgivness. No one will ever know but the both of us and Enishi. It was for a reason. The bleeding that kept on has finally stopped. It has finally ended, but the pain in my heart for doing this to you will not end. I will honor you, I must live. For those women who died for me as a child and for you who died for me to be a man. 

I will live, Tomoe. I will live and I hope you will be at my side as I do for I love you. I will not be that man who killed your fiancee, I will not be the man who will be the killing puppet. I will be the man that you loved, the farmer that planted Daikon radishes with you. I will be the man that sold medicine with you. I will be that man. The man you loved. 

**I've found a reason for me**

That night as I left our safehouse, I knew what I was doing. I knew where I was heading. I was heading for a life that you told me that I could've lived with if I hadn't picked up a sword. The life that you spoke of if I never came down to be a pawn to their evil intensions. A life that didn't have to have happned when I make the right choices. 

**To change who I used to be**

I've found my reason to live as a man without a sword, a man with love, a man without the smell of blood. Tomoe, I found the reason why I should look at the flowers with the softest eyes I have. I told you long before that I have accpted the fact that I wouldn't live a long life, so now I look at everything around me with passion, with love. 

**A reason to start over new**

"A swordsman can't live his life without a sword on his belt no matter how hard he tries." After that war, Tomoe, I found out I couldn't let go of my sword. It was my life, it was the world I belonged to. I am grieved that I cannot keep my real promise to you, but I have good news. Look what kind of sword I have for you now. "That's something to put on your belt. It's a Sakabatou, a reversed-edge sword." 

I walked down the path I chose, to be a wanderer and start my life. A reversed-edge sowrd hung on my belt. I hope that you are proud enough even if I hadn't kept my real promise that I will never hold a sword again. Please understand that I am and will always be a swordsman. This is my destiny, Tomoe. Though I say that, I vow not to kill. I have one reason... 

**and the reason is you**

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**I'm sorry that I hurt you**

I wandered throughout Japan, but I never again visited your grave. I failed to give you flowers after what had happned, I am very sorry. I guess I just couldn't accept the fact that I had really killed you, with my own hands, with my own sword. I am really sorry that I made your tears fall from your eyes. For all of that, I will wander and atone for my sins. 

You gave me strength to do so, you showed my hope to a new world. You told me I could build a new land without having to kill. You were right. I was wrong all along. My master was right, I shold've listened to him. If only I did, you would still be alive and happy right now. You will have children and appear always with a bringt smile on your face. Always having the wonderful scent of the precious white plum. 

**It's something I must live with everyday**

Every step I take, my heart hurts, The emotion I have kept so long has taken its toll on me. I promised myself I would never love again, I promise myself not to attch myself to those around me,. I will suffer and die alone. I will suffer for what I have done. I lived through that horrible era and now I have to atone for what I have done. Please forgive me for saying these harsh words, but they do come from my heart. 

As I swing my sword to protect the weak and not kill my oponent, I feel you. I hear your voice and I feel your touch. You whisper words of encouragement to my ears every time I feel alone and lonely. You tell me to live and to smile. Even though you are gone, I do feel your presence and I do feel your love. I thank you so much for that. You have not left me up until now. 

Your voice haunts my thoughts, your face haunts my dreams, and your love haunts my heart. As I look at my hands, they fill with blood. I know I am making a fool out of myself, but that is the way it is. The people whom I killed haunted me back with their souls, but you kept them away. I couldn't protect you as I promised, but you were able to protect me. 

**And all the pain I put you through**

I do know that I am not worthy of your protection, I am not worthy of your love. But you do love me, you do protect me. I wish I could take all the pain I did to you and pour it onto me like you pour saki into a a cup. IIt is all filled with blood and I desrve it, I know I do. After all that I have done, I desrve to suffer, not you. Not you with the smeel of white plum and with the love of a tender woman, with forgiveness and compassion like a goddess. 

The world is suffering before my eyes and one man isn't enough to change that, but maybe with Meiji government, they will be able to. The government now belives in peace and harmony. The children don't live by the sword, but by the peace. It was everything that I've dreamed, but I failed to see through its purpose. Now, I swing my sword to protect their smiles, to give them something I never felt as a child and as a man. 

**I wish that I could take it all away**

I've protected them, but I could never do it to you. Why? Why is the world as it is? I've never felt love coming from a woman like you. I cannot feel your pain right now, but I want to. I want to carry the burden, the meomry, so I will not make the same mistake in the future. I want to remeber your love always. I will never forget the pain I've caused you to feel. 

I tried to carry your pain, I tried to carry your sufferings. I tried not to erase it from my thoughts,. Now I know how much it hurts to lose the one you love and to love the one who killed your love. It was very hard to love myself and forgive myself that I couldn't bring forgiveness to me. I couldn't forgive the man, that slayer. I couldn't forgive Hitokiri Battousai. How could you forgive him? Please tell me. 

**And be the one who catches all your tears**

I wish I knew who you were before I killed the man you were going to be married to. I wish I saw your eyes at his burial. It must be filled with blood, with tears. I wanted to erase it from my mind and remeber your smile, but I couldn't. This is why I kept myself from people. To find the truth, to find the tikme to forgive myself for not being there for you. I love you, but it wasn't enough to take away the pain of losing Kyosato. 

Nothing, I will comapre you to nothing. You are the one that I will always love, you are the one my heart will belong to. I will not attach myself to any other love but yours. I am sure I am not worthy to be loved, but you are. You are worthy to be loved by everyone because you opened my eyes, you opened my heart. I know you will do the same for other men who are like me. You can forgive, you have that mercy. I wish I had that mercy in me because I failed to forgive my own the day that I lost you. I failed to forgive myself. 

I am unworthy because I failed to catch your tears as they fell. I failed to catch your love when I first met it. I failed to love you when you needed it. Your tears flowed like a river, but I couldn't wipe them. I couldn't feel them. I failed to do so. I failed everything of you, but... 

**Thats why I need you to hear**

Listen to me, please. There's a lot of pain around me, a lot of hurt. I know it is not for me to complain because you have felt a lot more, but I am growing up. Ten years has passed of my wandering. I had a dream last night, you told me to stop. You told me I suffered enough. No, I couldn't stop and I am so sorry I cannot grant your request. 

But I will make you this promise. This is a promise I know deep in my heart that I can keep. I will love, Tomoe, like you told me in the dream. Once I have found the right one, I will love. But I will never forget you. That is something too unforgivable if I do. I will never forget the love you have given me, the sacrifce you have made. So please listen to this... 

**I've found a reason for me**

It took me ten years to figure it out, but I finally did. I finally figured out what love was as I fought through life. I met friends here in Tokyo and stayed with them for a while. I promised myself I wouldn't attach myself to these things, but I found out I just couldn't live my life alone. You were right. I am changed, Tomoe. My eyes are different as I look at the mirror. It's been long since I did. They weren't the eyes of a killer I used to know. Tomoe, I thank you. 

**To change who I used to be**

Her eyes were like yours as she looked at me. I don't know what's gotten into me as I looked at her. I promised I wouldn't love like I loved you, but it was too impossible. I needed to go on. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to protect her, something I failed with you. Please forgive me. I am changed, I will love. She showed me the way like you do. As days came by, I found love in her. The same love you gave me before. For that love, Tomoe, I thank you. 

**A reason to start over new**

I am not the man you knew. I am now changed. As I look at this Tokyo samurai's son. He has a heart of a tiger. His determination in his eyes never failed to frighten me that he would end up like I did. So I always looked out for him. You would want that right? I wouldn't let anyone make the same as I did. You taught me that. Tomoe, I thank you. I've found my reason... 

**and the reason is You**

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**I've found a reason to show**

I've found the reason to love again. I found the reason to live again. I found the reason to shout "I love you". I do lover her Tomoe, as much as I do love you. In my dreams, you told me you didn't want me to carry the pain because you loved me too mcuh. Now, I will not fail to show my love to her. But please remeber. Tomoe, I love you. 

**A side of me you didn't know**

I never killed in front of her eyes, as a promise to you and as a promise to her. She prevented me from killing one more time. Tomoe, I guess your love and her love are pretty much the same. I am guilty of this, but I knew her love was to the extent she would die for me too. I didn't want her to die, I won't make the same mistake. I love her, I made her feel it. But please remeber. Tomoe, I love you. 

**A reason for all that I do**

I fought my own successor, Shishio Makaoto. He was made a wildman because power ate him alive. It could've happened to me if you hadn't stepped in. I saw him make the mistake I did. I saw him pierce his sword through the one he loves, but he feels nothing for it. There is no happiness in death. I have a reason, Tomoe. I love you and I have the reason. And that reason is... 

**And the reason is you**

**A/N: Two hours straight, can you belive it? My fingers are a little numb, but it was worth is. I hope you enjoyed it and I hop you click the review button, I really do hope you do. Thanks for those who reviewed my other stories and I appreciate them and I will too if you review this. Thank you so much for reading!**


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